Stepmoms, do you get frustrated and maybe even angry with the overbearing ex-wife in-law you inherited when you married your husband? We cannot be Wise Wives and Successful Stepmoms without God's strength, wisdom and empowerment in our families and lives. My relationship with God grew leaps and bounds when I married my husband; I realized how much I NEED Him and were on my knees more.

My focus is the communication in the step/blended family unit. Who should communicate with your ex-wife in-law about scheduling, parenting issues/decisions, child support and other financial needs? It is important to think of the long-term ramifications this could have on everyone involved, especially the kids. I grew up in a stepfamily and my parents were friendly with each other and managed to co-parent well together (at least they appeared to in front of me and my sister). My stepfather was gracious and invited my father to participate in our family gatherings, like Christmas morning. Still to this day, we practice the same tradition. That made a huge impact on my me and gave me a good example to live by in my own stepfamily.

I believe the healthiest and most effective dynamic is for the spouse to be the primary communication with the ex-wife and take full responsibility for the decisions being made. I'm emphasizing communication of the more in depth issues. The husband should discuss his thoughts and opinions to his ex, without mentioning your name. This eliminates blame in your direction. It is your role to be an influence. As wife and mother you have the right to be heard by your partner and share your thoughts and opinions about these major decisions for your children. Do not keep these things to yourself. Otherwise, you will find yourself firing off like 4th of July fireworks, which would be harmful for the marriage. Another way to influence is through the power of prayer for your husband and children, and even the ex-wife. Then, trust him to make the right decision for everyone involved, and express grace when he doesn't make the right decision. No one is perfect, right? This is difficult for us women. We have an innate desire to take care of our families and connect everyone together. We have control. So, allowing our husbands to be the primary communicator causes us to feel no control or out of control.

Let's discuss some positive effects from taking a backseat approach. First, it reduces defensiveness and competition between you and the ex spouse. She won't feel territorial. This position allows us to model good character for our children. Essentially, your husband is playing bad cop and your the good cop for both the children and the ex. As I shared my stepfather showed me kindness through his actions with my father. There are less negative emotions between you and your ex-wife in-law, so the children do not have a loyalty conflict between you and their mom. Another benefit to this position is it allows your husband to lead. I constantly hear from my woman clients they want and need their husband to be the leader. Finally, this is an opportunity for your husband to develop as a leader, which increases our respect for them.

Now, I know there are exceptions in some families. Maybe you have a passive husband not willing to take responsibility for his role in your family, so this may be more difficult. However, your primary focus is yourself and taking responsibility for your actions and feelings. Encourage him to take leading steps. Do not be discouraged or discouraging, it may take time for him to develop this new pattern he is not used to. Remember, you are the influence in your family through your prayers, words and deeds. God bless you and your families!