In my counseling practice I see people that feel inferior and defeated in a destructive relationship pattern and have allowed this relationship to define them. When you give someone that power to define you, you give them the power to control you. All of us at some point in our life has had a Parent, Spouse, Friend, Spouse's ex, or a Boss that use guilt and manipulation to control the circumstances (you). You may feel helpless and hopeless about the destructive dance you are in.

If you want to be free from this harmful person in your life, you have to make the choice to take control of you. You have to stand up against the destructive one and communicate to them that their words and actions are hurting you and you will not allow their negative behavior towards you. It requires assertiveness, which is expressing your thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. I hear from most of my clients they are concerned with keeping the peace. However, containing your thoughts and emotions is actually more counterproductive to peacekeeping. There is no peace when you have unmet needs or hurt feelings inside. The biblical message is we should be peace makers. A healthy peace maker is not passive in conflict or confronting sinful actions. If the other person disregards your attempts to set boundaries and still continues their damaging pattern, it is time to step back in the relationship. Distance communicates to the destructive person that you will not tolerate being controlled and devalued any longer. It may be temporary or permanent distance, depending on the nature of the relationship. This will give you time to heal and grow in your assertiveness and understanding your boundaries. This will take time and practice, especially if you have been doing the destructive dance for a long time. Stepping back allows the destructive person to realize there is a problem in the relationship and take responsibility, which leads to repentance and restoration. By you taking a time out can bring them to peace with you, but more importantly with God.

Unfortunately, repentance and restoration may not always be the outcome in your destructive relationships. The important concept to grasp here is you must claim responsibility for your own actions and choices. You are not able to change someone else and assume responsibility for others. It is critical how you handle the confrontation. Some think of confrontation as being a negative thing, so I like to call it "Carefrontation". You do it with care. Be aware of your motives and your emotions before you confront. Remember you are trying to thwart the destructive dance, not sustain with your reactions. Communication is healthy when love and respect are incorporated into the message. So, plan, practice, and pray for your words beforehand. The destructive relationship dance must come to an end and let the healing begin.