Car maintenance requires routine maintenance or a tune-up. If we are not responsible to do this, it can cause much larger problems with the car that can cost more frustration and money. Marriage is like a car and it requires the same maintenance. It is good to meet with a pastor or counselor regularly to gauge the health of the marriage and identify any minor issues that may be keeping your marriage driving to the fullest potential. It is preventative for a breakdown or crisis that it more difficult to recover from.

My husband and I have an anniversary coming up and decided we needed a marriage tune-up. Some may be thinking what kind of anniversary gift is that. It is my hope you will see the value at the end of this blog. Even therapists must have routine maintenance. I may be well educated and trained in this content. Moreover, I am human, depraved like the rest of the race with my self-centered desires and expectations. I want to share my experience being on the other side as a counselee meeting with our trusted counselor to encourage you to get the support and guidance in your own marriage. It was the typical experience, the counselor listened, validated, and attended to both my husband and I as we shared our very different perspectives about our relationship. He facilitated and allowed us both the freedom to express what needed to be expressed. Although it is difficult to hear from a third-party about your shortfalls in the relationship, you tend to be more receptive than you are hearing from your spouse or someone close to you. Defensiveness is natural reaction with our spouse when there is disappointment and hurt. We feel less guilt hurting the other when we have been hurt. We feel the need to self protect and claim our own justice. Counseling is effective for doing some serious soul searching. It is a time for us to take ownership of our desires, attitudes, feelings, hurts, disappointments in the relationship. As my husband and I left the office I continued the soul searching on the ride home and realized the ugly truth of my situation. I do have my own feelings, desires, expectations, that are not necessarily wrong or bad, but my husband does too. I have to consider him. It may mean I have to let go and grieve some of mine. I believe the only way I can do this is surrendering them to God and trusting Him to intervene and do what is best for both individually and for our marriage. It brought me to tears when I thought about my selfishness and I felt sorrow for my behavior affecting my husband the way it was. I started to understand more how he felt misunderstood, unaccepted, and judged. Simply, because I thought my stuff was more superior to his. I believe this is the idea of dying to our needs, desires, expectations and raising our spouses above. A marriage has the freedom to thrive when both do this.

The purpose of marriage counseling is to help you surface some of the selfish habits in your relationship. The process refines and purifies your way of thinking and acting; and it does hurt. My husband and I left the office feeling disconnected and in opposition of each other. When we got home, we sat down and continued the process of discussing and working through our emotions and perspectives. We both realized some of our issues are perpetual and unsolvable, but we want to be challenged together. We recognized our differences, expressed understanding, and offered forgiveness. We came back from "me" and "my" to "we" and "us." Although, refinement was difficult and painful. I never felt more close and connected to my husband as we agreed to continue the process of learning and growing in our relationship. Your marriage is worth the investment and the commitment it takes. Some of you may be thinking my spouse is unwilling and does not see the value. It can still be effective if you want to focus on yourself and work towards growth and change. The verse Psalm. 51:17 talks about our sacrifices to God are a broken and contrite heart being most valuable to Him. Our marriage values a broken and contrite heart.