Ami's Blog

Confront, Not Avoid

04/18/2012 11:18:00

Our hearts are at risk of harm when we bottle up negative emotions like resentment. In my previous post we discussed the significance of confronting deep hurt offenses. I mentioned it is not necessary to confront every single offense. I am more concerned with the hurts that are brewing something bigger inside, bitterness. Some people avoid conflict out of false belief that it is bad, or they are bad for initiating it. The truth is there are benefits to a healthy confrontation or "carefrontation." A person cannot effectively build a relationship and really know someone without open and honest communication.

Before I highlight the steps I need to make a clear distinction between complaints and criticism. There are going to be disagreements and complaints in any relationship. Expressing a complaint should focus on the action of a person. Criticism is harmful to the relationship, because it focuses on the person. It can be interpreted as a personal attack on their character. Most of us react when we sense our character being assaulted.

Step 1 Self-evaluation

Self-evaluation has to be a part of any relationship. During this step, one must identify and understand emotions and the need behind them. It is critical to take inventory of these before you address the person you are confronting. Otherwise, conflict will escalate to somewhere unhealthy. We experience an emotional reaction when we feel a need is at jeopardy and our survivor alarm goes off in our brain to defend.

Step 2 Determine your move

Once emotions are stabilized then you have to determine your move or make a choice. Will you use the broom and sweep it under the rug until you get an opportunity to "teach them a lesson" later? Will you use the megaphone to shout at the offender your complaint? Or will you be a lamp that lights the truth, so that you both can be free from hurt and forgiveness can happen. Sometimes people are oblivious to being the cause of or invoking another's pain until confronted.

Step 3 Share the complaint (not criticize)

Here you let the other person know how their action affects you. In basic interpersonal skills 101 you learn to use "I" statements that sound like this, "I feel...when you... In this step you are owning your feelings as a priority to attacking the other person involved, but still communicating how their behavior hurt you.

Practicing healthy confrontation has some benefits. As already mentioned it prevents bitterness. It promotes intimacy in the relationship. Once you have gotten whatever off of your chest, you feel better and closer to that person. There is understanding and sympathy between the two of you. If you still find it difficult to do this, you may need to seek professional help to understand what the hindrance is. My next post will address the best response when someone is confronting you, the higher humble road can be difficult.

Kill the Bitterness

04/13/2012 14:35:00

Resentment grows and spreads like a wildfire that consumes our soul if we allow it to. We have all experienced resentment towards others for hurts and disappointments. Some build over a consistent pattern that forms into the ugly state of bitterness, in which we are a danger to ourselves and other passerbys on our path.

My husband and I were caught off guard when this became the reality in our home. One night our 2 sons were in the middle of a war with each other. The hurt feelings in the air was unsettling. Both had tears running down their face as they placed blame on the other one. After hearing both sides, it was obvious something gradually grew between them. The wounds were stacked deeply to the detriment of their hearts. I see this familiar scenario in the people I counsel, as well. It is a dynamic played out in all types of relationships. It usually comes down to our words and actions toward others that can be interpreted, as if a grenade just exploded inside the heart.

We have to confront these resentful offenses against us and not allow them to be buried inside. I want to be clear not every single offense has to be confronted. There are times we should be more gracious and let go. I am referring to the deeper hurts. It is more damaging to us than our offender to hold on to them. We have all these toxic thoughts and emotions that eat away of anything that is good. Our perception changes and we see everything through our bitter lens.

The root of bitterness has to be cutoff. No more giving life and feeding it. It will hinder any potential happiness one desires. We have all come across these individuals suffering in their prison of bitterness. They are difficult to be around, constantly complaining and see the negative in everything. Then, they transfer their negativity into your life. Misery loves company, right. You do not want to be this person living a sad and lonely life. It is critical to your well-being to confront the pain, release it, and forgive. There are some healthy steps to confront offenders that I will address in my next post, so stay tuned.

Intent to Separate

04/04/2012 10:18:00

The issue of marital separation causes tension in the Christan community. I want to share some points to consider if your contemplating this or you know someone who is. I have read and researched this topic comprehensively and I strongly recommend you do the same before heading down the path of separation or before judging someone who is. It is critical that you understand what the scriptures say in their context. Especially, if you come from either extremes of thinking, the rigid, judgmental mindset that you should never separate no matter what or God will punish you for he hates divorce; or the other perspective that you have free reign to do, because we are covered by grace and God forgives. I believe both are true, but I am referring to an obsessive emphasis on one or the other. We have to know God's whole heart, not a portion.

The choice for separation is about intent. All of our choices have to be carefully examined and the motive revealed to know what the wise choice would be. Ask yourself some tough questions to see if your motives are selfish or for the marriage and God's will. As self-centered humans, we tend to be selfish and depraved in our decision making, whatever or whomever makes us feel happy or satisfied. We are prone to rationalize and justify our actions and feelings. I have seen people even twist the words of others and scripture to support them. So, if the intent is a rationalization that your unhappy and you are willfully seeking a way out of your commitment, then probably the wrong reason to separate. These are the spouses that gather evidence that their spouse is a "bad" person and they should not remain in this "bad" relationship. In that case we all could be considered "bad" or our behavior is, because we all have sin as a part of our DNA and battle this on a daily basis in all relationships. However, a solid reason to separate is a "tough love" approach, which demands changes in the marriage and consequences as a result. This means separating for a time period with the intent to be committed to the marriage until the other spouse is willing to take responsibility. For example, a husband with a contentious wife who is emotionally destructive in her words and actions may need her husband to put some physical distance in the relationship as a way of establishing boundaries and for her to realize she is hurting him. Another example is the spouse of an alcoholic who is causing harm to the family may need to separate in order for him or her to realize they need help. When these spouses stay in a destructive pattern, the unhealthy spouse does not have the opportunity to self-evaluate and see that change is needed. Unfortunately, separation with good intent is not always successful, the spouse is unwilling to make some healthy changes and you may be forced to make further decisions or they may choose to dissolve the relationship.

A decision of separation has to be one made through prayer, discernment and wise counsel for clarity. Be sure to take out the emotions. God knows our hearts and is the ultimate judge of all of our choices including our spouses, and he knows the outcome of our future. It is about trusting He has His Best in mind for us and us not taking control of our own happiness. Then, we end up settling for second best and sacrifice His blessing. So, we must follow His lead in our marriages. Seek His will and not our own. I know there is some overwhelmingly discouraging statistics today and all of us know divorce personally, but your marriage can overcome the statistics with the right intent and commitment.

Not Single, yet

03/27/2012 13:11:00

Affairs are a large epidemic in our culture. Men and women are participating in them out of a need for satisfaction or happiness. There are many causes and types of affairs. Someone may get involved in an affair because of feelings of loneliness and a longing for deep emotional connection. They could be fearful of that kind of deep connection and want to diffuse with their spouse by having a sexual fling. It could be the symptom of an addictive pattern caused by a family of origin conflict. I want to discuss the affair that occurs when there is a separation or pending divorce. I see men and women in my practice that embrace this temptation. They come in to see me after their spouse has abandoned them and they need guidance in the recovery and moving forward. They usually describe feeling lonely, unlovable, rejected, misunderstood, and disregarded after a significant relationship ends. It is human nature to automatically switch into self protect or gratification gears, which is a dangerous and vulnerable place to be. At this point if a stranger gives you any attention, validation, and worth you fall into a deep romantic fantasy trap. This person becomes the bandaid or distraction for real healing and growth to happen. Even though this person may be a good person and may meet your ideal of healthy relationship, it is counterfeit and unrealistic to what you need. Think about it if you are feeling the lowest of lows, you cannot trust your feelings when someone starts to build you back up. Anyone besides the one who betrayed you can make you feel better. It is better to find your wholeness and health outside of a relationship. You need to love yourself and not depend on someone else definition. They are going to come up short in defining who you are, because they are not the one who made you. God, the one who made you intended for you to not rely on another being for your worth. These type of rebound relationships tend to backfire or you run into a wall of all the unresolved emotions from the pain in your heart.

Also, we must address the issue of the marriage covenant. Technically, you are still married and have to live according to these standards. I understand the various emotions and already identified the lowliness you feel after the betrayal and rejection. Now is the time to focus on your mental, spiritual, and emotional health. God views your marriage as a covenant, a vow to your spouse until the divorce decree is final. Even so, He still desires reconciliation for your marriage. He always desires the best outcome for us (read the book of Hosea) and wants us to allow him to work in us and in the leaving spouse's heart. We can thwart his will when we take matters into our own hands. If your involved with someone else, your focus is redirected away from the marital relationship and what God wills to do. Therefore, you make choices based on the perspective of the romantic relationship you are involved in.

There are some healthy alternatives to avoid the not single yet affair trap. First, find your security in your relationship with God. Second, surround yourself with people of the same sex that encourage you in wise decision-making, which means you may have to avoid places where temptations occur like bars, singles church groups, and facebook. Being a past DivorceCare leader, I am a promoter of divorce recovery groups that are usually held at your local church, but I encourage you to attend after the divorce is final. I see too often people get into romantic relationships in the vulnerable environment created. You have to avoid any opportunity when you might blurr personal boundaries. Ignore the friends and family that want to set you up with this great guy or girl they know. I'm sure they are great, but timing is critical to your best future. Finally, get some professional counseling for accountability, the tools to growing and accepting your worth and to confront any other issues that may hinder you in healthy relationships.

Spillover or Leftover?

03/08/2012 14:57:00

I understand as women we live hectic schedules. We wake up at the crack of dawn to facilitate sending our husbands and children to work and school. Some of us spend our days working inside the home and others outside. We are volunteers/ministers in our church, PTA, and other organizations. The activity seems to be constant and never ending. There is dinner to prepare, homework to assist with, laundry, emails to return, and so on. The point is we live fast paced, busy, and exhausting lives. I just described all the other people we serve and help. What about attending and serving our husbands? Sadly, I think it is so easy to extinguish all of our mental, emotional, and physical energy to everyone else and everything else and our husbands get what is leftover if anything. We crawl into bed at night "with a headache" when he is ready for some attention. He has endured a day of toil to provide for us, maybe in an environment where he feels a lack of appreciation and like a failure.

Our husbands need our affirmation and adoration. The language we can best speak this is through making love and taking care of his needs. We are able to do this through prioritizing our relational time and energy. We have to first be focused on our man and be attentive where he is. He may not tell you voluntarily, but you can probe him to understand more clearly. We have to desire to study him and listen for cues of what he needs. They can be pretty verbal about physical needs. Finally, submit to his desires, even when you aren't interested or feel like it.

We cannot do this on our own and need some help and inspiration. Recently, I noticed a deep connection to my spouse, an increased desire to love him and meet his needs. We like to call it a "swelling" for each other. When I reflect on where I am in my life, it is my belief that thriving intimacy in marriage begins with our relationship with God. I recognize the times in my life when I am the most intimate with God, I am more intimate with my husband. There is a connection with God that comes from experiencing time with Him that is centered around love, respect, gratitude, and adoration. Psalm 23 describes this as my cup overflowing. You experience this through His Word and having conversations with Him. This intimacy can have a spillover effect towards our husbands. Our desire, energy, and motivation is multiplied. There is an emotional and spiritual increase in our lives from a deep connection with God and our husbands. We need to spillover, not offer leftovers with our husbands.

Created for Monogamy

02/16/2012 13:12:00

Sex is a popular topic of today. You cannot go a day without being influenced with sexual content. There is something powerful and mysterious about sex. I chose to watch a movie recently, called Friends with Benefits. I see so many people in my practice that are tied to others currently and/or from their past through premarital, extramarital, and sexual abuse experiences. I have a strong conviction to help these individuals understand their sexuality and the deception surrounding them. Though this movie goes against my belief system I decided I needed to understand the mindset and ramifications of the culture that believes casual, meaningless sex is ok. The movie is about 2 wounded strangers meeting after recently ending relationships and decide on an arrangement to exchange sexual pleasure with no relationship strings attached (Yea right!).

God the creator of sex made our bodies responsive to monogamy. He created a chemical you probably heard of before, oxytocin (vasopressin in males). This chemical has the ability to bond us. It is released during breast feeding and during sexual intercourse. God intends for a mother and child and husband and wife to experience this type of bond. There is such a powerful binding to that person that is not meant to be broken. Two souls become tied together or one.

In this particular movie, this truth becomes obvious. Their connection became more than just a physical, but an emotional and spiritual one. Sex binds our bodies, souls, and spirits to another. Like in the movie, when there is a break in the relationship, there is a powerful tie that is not easily broken. The two people become overwhelmed with emotions because there is a physical, emotional, and spiritual tearing apart from that person. The consequences are guilt, shame, confusion, anger, and depression. God in His love for us expects us to experience this type of bond with 1 person, so that we do not go through the devastation when we are torn apart from someone.

There is hope and healing if you have been tied to another person in this way. Knowing how your body was designed for sex and the consequences is critical for avoiding temptation. Confessing to God and someone helps free you. Secrets only breed shame which harms us and our relationships. Forgiveness for ourselves and the people you bind yourselves to heals us. And finally prayer to break any unhealthy ties can break this bond. Ask God to show you the lies you believe about yourself and sex. God is the author and manual owner of sex. He has established some boundaries for our protection, not to be punitive. We must understand our bodies by his manual and not what the world's manual illustrates.

BIG Faith

01/28/2012 14:19:00

It has been some time since my last blog. I do not usually write unless I feel inspired to. Let's just say, it has been a blog drought. However, this past week has been significantly inspirational to me. Sometimes you need a drought to prepare you for the pouring rain.

Recently, I was given a book, Sun Stand Still by Steven Furtick. When the book was presented to me my eyes skimmed the title and below were these profound words, 'What Happens When You Dare to Ask God For The Impossible.' These words immediately tugged at my heart and invoked joyful and expectant emotions. At that moment perhaps a longing or "the impossible" entered my mind. I am still exploring and may be it will be shared at another time. Ever since I have been full of expectancy and excitement. Furtick's book moves you to practice audacious faith. It is so easy as Christians to become stagnant in our thought process and we expect God to do everything. We pray God's will be done in our lives and situations, which I am not opposed to since Jesus taught us to pray for God's will. My intent and emphasis is He wants us to take responsibility and be more active in what He is doing in us, our families, church, communities, and across the world. We have to be His hands, feet, and sometimes His voice to those who cannot hear. His power is in all of us to do and be, but we reserve it instead of exhaust it. We have to identify our dreams and visions that God has written on our hearts, take faith steps or leaps, and trust Him when it seems impossible.

My audacious journey began several years back during my darkest hour. I was at my weakest moment and felt like I had lost my way and was tired of living without purpose and meaning. I felt a stirring, a dream brewing inside of me, which I ignored for most of my life. A vision began to take shape of me helping others in their darkest hours. I was compelled to react with faith, but had all the typical How, When, or Why questions. So, I began to converse with God to show me the next step He wanted me to take and ask for the courage. My circumstances said there is no way possible. I was newly single (really for the first time in my life) and had to support myself. It was impressed upon me to go to graduate school for my Masters in counseling. I remember thinking How am I going to do this? I must be out of my mind. I think that's the point with faith, believing in the what you do not know or see ahead.

Now several years later I am walking in that same vision, but I am still in the midst of the journey. I feel even more motivated to expand the dream and more full of faith to do whatever I'm led to. I know God has even more planned for me. I could end my journey here and be real content in my counseling practice, but I want to seek the impossible. There was a line is the book that said, "If the size of your vision for your life isn't intimidating, there's a good chance it's insulting to God." God is BIG, He wants us to dream BIG and practice BIG faith. Together, let's dare to ask God for the impossible and watch what He does.

Servant Leader

12/02/2011 10:32:00

At Christmas time we think about the birth of our Savior and King. When we reflect on His entrance to the world we realize it was not grand. He was born out in the cold, in a stable where animals live, and his bed was a trough where they eat their food. Our worldview expects kings or leaders to live in royalty surrounded by servants waiting on them day and night, with all their needs met. However, our King Jesus shows a very different example of leadership. His followers were so concerned with and competed to be first and Jesus said to them, "If anyone wants to be first he must be the very last, and the servant of all." Jesus was a walking example of the type of leaders we should be. There was nothing prestigious about the way He lived on this earth. He was constantly moving place to place on foot and had no valuable possessions with him. He had relationships, the most valuable gift.

Most of us fulfill some type of leadership role, maybe in our jobs, ministry, or even our households. A good leader does not esteem him/herself higher than others and primarily focus on their status and success. Having a desire and ambition to be successful is not a bad thing, but be careful not to exclude obedience and service. A self seeking leader uses people on his/her road to success, which leads to pride and arrogance.A real leader has a servant's heart and a desire to help others. Servant leaders appreciate others and recognize their worth. Striving for the extravagant lifestyle should not be our focus. It is more important to focus on serving others. You make time for others to invest in helping them grow and succeed. Spend time with them, showing an interest in their dreams and goals, encouraging them to pursue, and expressing appreciation. A friend of mine recently opened her home to establish a forum for women to share their stories and to minister to each other. She is showing commitment, helping women feel valuable, making her home a refuge and serving these women. She is an example of Jesus and being a Servant Leader.

Joseph's Choice

12/01/2011 10:37:00

We have begun the Christmas season, a time to reflect on the history and the Good News of the birth of our Savior Jesus. Christians and most people will spend the next few weeks discussing the story of Jesus' birth and celebrating this event. I was reading the story about Joseph finding out his fiance Mary was pregnant and they had never been with each other. Can you imagine the different emotions who must have experienced? When we are given a report of someone we care about deeply doing something that hurts us, we immediately think, "what am I going to do?" We get flooded with feelings and thoughts that leave us feeling confused and fearful. Joseph had to choose his response to the news that turned his world upside down in the midst of his emotions. The Jewish tradition for marriage was three-part, the families made an agreement, the couple became pledged publicly (like engagement today), then the they were married. This union could not be broken unless divorced. Joseph saw he had 2 options, either he could divorce her quietly or have her stoned to death, which was another custom. We know the story, Joseph was visited by an angel in a dream sharing the news that Mary was conceived by the Holy Spirit and the baby would be Savior to the world.

Joseph's human perception gave him two choices to make, based on people or the world's idea of what he should do. He waited on God to provide a third option, which was to marry Marry and assume responsibility for this child. When we are faced with difficult choices we must consider with God there is always another option, the "Best" that he is able to impart to us. Our brains are unable to think with the full capacity that God intended and our thinking is flawed. We must rely on his knowledge and wisdom to guide us in our decision making.

We must consider others involved that will be affected by our choices. Joseph had to consider how his decision would impact Mary and this baby she was carrying, as well as family and friends. In Joseph's case, his decision would affect all of mankind. But he did not know that at the time. Could this be the same for us? We do not know what God has planned for us or all human race, but we could be interfering if we do not choose wisely and trust Him. Our decisions affect God's master plan. Joseph learned real quick his future was not about him.

Routine Soul Searching

11/03/2011 11:57:00

Car maintenance requires routine maintenance or a tune-up. If we are not responsible to do this, it can cause much larger problems with the car that can cost more frustration and money. Marriage is like a car and it requires the same maintenance. It is good to meet with a pastor or counselor regularly to gauge the health of the marriage and identify any minor issues that may be keeping your marriage driving to the fullest potential. It is preventative for a breakdown or crisis that it more difficult to recover from.

My husband and I have an anniversary coming up and decided we needed a marriage tune-up. Some may be thinking what kind of anniversary gift is that. It is my hope you will see the value at the end of this blog. Even therapists must have routine maintenance. I may be well educated and trained in this content. Moreover, I am human, depraved like the rest of the race with my self-centered desires and expectations. I want to share my experience being on the other side as a counselee meeting with our trusted counselor to encourage you to get the support and guidance in your own marriage. It was the typical experience, the counselor listened, validated, and attended to both my husband and I as we shared our very different perspectives about our relationship. He facilitated and allowed us both the freedom to express what needed to be expressed. Although it is difficult to hear from a third-party about your shortfalls in the relationship, you tend to be more receptive than you are hearing from your spouse or someone close to you. Defensiveness is natural reaction with our spouse when there is disappointment and hurt. We feel less guilt hurting the other when we have been hurt. We feel the need to self protect and claim our own justice. Counseling is effective for doing some serious soul searching. It is a time for us to take ownership of our desires, attitudes, feelings, hurts, disappointments in the relationship. As my husband and I left the office I continued the soul searching on the ride home and realized the ugly truth of my situation. I do have my own feelings, desires, expectations, that are not necessarily wrong or bad, but my husband does too. I have to consider him. It may mean I have to let go and grieve some of mine. I believe the only way I can do this is surrendering them to God and trusting Him to intervene and do what is best for both individually and for our marriage. It brought me to tears when I thought about my selfishness and I felt sorrow for my behavior affecting my husband the way it was. I started to understand more how he felt misunderstood, unaccepted, and judged. Simply, because I thought my stuff was more superior to his. I believe this is the idea of dying to our needs, desires, expectations and raising our spouses above. A marriage has the freedom to thrive when both do this.

The purpose of marriage counseling is to help you surface some of the selfish habits in your relationship. The process refines and purifies your way of thinking and acting; and it does hurt. My husband and I left the office feeling disconnected and in opposition of each other. When we got home, we sat down and continued the process of discussing and working through our emotions and perspectives. We both realized some of our issues are perpetual and unsolvable, but we want to be challenged together. We recognized our differences, expressed understanding, and offered forgiveness. We came back from "me" and "my" to "we" and "us." Although, refinement was difficult and painful. I never felt more close and connected to my husband as we agreed to continue the process of learning and growing in our relationship. Your marriage is worth the investment and the commitment it takes. Some of you may be thinking my spouse is unwilling and does not see the value. It can still be effective if you want to focus on yourself and work towards growth and change. The verse Psalm. 51:17 talks about our sacrifices to God are a broken and contrite heart being most valuable to Him. Our marriage values a broken and contrite heart.